Balance

This week was the autumnal equinox, when light and dark are held in balance, 12 hours of light, 12 hours of darkness. It's traditionally a time to weigh things up. It’s the time when Jesmond changes from a ghost town to a bustling melee of students.  It also happened to be the first week of my sabbatical, and the watchword for me would appear to be balance. It is something I am clearly going to have to work at.

I feel exhausted. I'm not able to think well - everything seems difficult and simple things appear to become extraordinarily complicated. Time seems to be galloping past, with the week going in a blink. In a sabbatical of nine months, that's 36 blinks and it will be all done.

Light and dark

Some good things happened. I had two good ideas for surveys to collect market research (one for my book another for a paper), handed over another developing paper to a co-author for his turn, and started to create a typology of the different treatments of design from the books on Design Thinking I have been reading. My father's Royal Society biographical memoir was published, prompting reflection on how much he achieved and how grateful I am to have been his daughter.

But there was also a constant feeling that I have forgotten to do something, or that whatever I am doing, I ought to be doing something else. Jittery and on edge. Over caffeinated when I have only drunk tea. Not sleeping well. A general sense of doubt and uncertainty.

Every day has felt like I have the opportunity to fill up a bucket. But the bucket has a leak in it. So even if I do a good day's work and feel satisfied at the end of the day, the bucket is empty again the next day.

Work and rest

I am finding this really hard. Ironically, I even find myself worrying that I am worrying too much - that I am not looking after my health - no time away from the screen, little exercise, little time outside, eye strain, headaches. When the whole point of a sabbatical is to have time.

I am also still weighing up where to work. At home I see the washing that needs hanging up and the kitchen floor that needs sweeping. At the office my days don't have to end when the family gets home, and it was nice to have a few chats with different people at work. But I don't get fancy coffee made for me and my house is nicer than my office. I'll have to keep experimenting with where the balance lies on that one.

The things that helped most were the things I nearly didn't do. On Wednesday I had my drawing class. I really didn't feel like I could spare the time and was feeling very anxious. But in fact it calmed me down and I was pleased with what I produced. On Thursday I auditioned for the university orchestra and got in. Very nerve-wracking to put myself through that at my age! I left feeling that that was the sort of thing I did want to be doing.

I did manage to let something go. I decided to stop going to a French class. Was I prepared to write off what it had cost me? Was the time worth more to me than the opportunity to work on my French? I decided it was, and I appreciated having the time back, despite having lost the money. Good decision I think, I hope.

Action and reflection

My sabbatical plan said this was a week to work on a paper about design thinking, and that I would look at 25 books to explore their treatment of uncertainty. On reflection that may have been a little over ambitious! I managed around 14, and I feel like that's enough for now. Instead of deep work I did lots of little things, constantly shifting between tasks, interrupting myself to check email and social media. Arranging three business trips seemed to take SO much time and require SO many decisions. And the tireder I am, the more mistakes I make and the more I check email and my socials.

Some people go "cold turkey" on email during a sabbatical. I am starting to understand that approach. I do feel a need to protect myself. Not so much from requests for help, but from the interruptions to my train of thought.

Weighing up

So was it a good week? Have I done enough? I think I have done quite a lot. But the scales have been tipped towards busy-ness, and away from quality thinking. Next week I am going to try to concentrate on one thing and focus on it every morning. I am going to restrict myself to checking email twice a day, and I am going to get outside. Perhaps I will measure the contents of the bucket by the week instead of the day.

The days get shorter from here. Thirty-five blinks to go.